Category: Leading Ladies

Written for the 2023 Silent-ology Buster Keaton Blogathon

“I know he loved her very much, and I think she loved him very much in the beginning. . .”

-Eleanor Keaton

No matter your personal opinion of Natalie Talmadge, she was a huge part of Buster’s life during his most prominent filming years. She was the center of his home life behind scenes and was often present on location, watching filming from The Playhouse to Steamboat Bill Jr. to some of her husband’s less popular MGM films. It is generally considered that their first few years together were happy ones.

Simply for the fact that Natalie was an important person in Buster’s life, I think she is a figure worth looking at as objectively as possible. Or even as positively as possible considering the “as negatively as possible” view of her has been covered well and then some. So here is my attempt at a short biography of Natalie’s early years focusing on some of the lesser known articles, accounts and moments of her early life.

Natalie was born in Brooklyn NY in April 1900 (although the year is somewhat up for debate apparently). She was the second of three sisters whose father was largely absent and whose mother possessed an unparalleled determination to make something of her daughters lives. They grew up poor– according to family friend, Anita Loos, at times not even having enough to eat.

Their father, Frederick Talmadge, would make random appearances boasting random jobs (including at one point salesman for circus souvenirs), and would present himself almost always as a drunkard. He would finally leave the family for good one Christmas day at their lowest financial point.

Their mother, Peg, was industrious and enterprising. She supported her daughters by renting out one of the rooms of their cottage and by taking in laundry, selling cosmetics and sometimes teaching classes in the latest kitsch art techniques. (TTG p.12) When the oldest daughter, Norma, showed promise as a model and then later an actress, Peg focused all her efforts into making a star out of her. Later on she did the same with the youngest daughter, Constance (aka Dutch), who had a certain undeniable spunk and charm.

Natalie, the middle child, showed no talent or interest for such things and was left out of these schemes. “Nate bore a certain resemblance to Norma, but she had a sort of pinched look, as if she harbored the same genes that produced her radiant sisters but had simply failed to blossom into full, lush bloom.” (TTG 5)”Strangers used to stop Peg in the street to comment on Norma’s dark beauty and Dutch’s tawny loveliness while little Nate stood meekly by, never mentioned in the compliments.” (TTG 13)

Natalie was the lone introvert of the family surrounded by natural movie stars. But there is no evidence to suggest that she harbored any aspirations or jealousy of any kind. She was happy to be busy behind the scenes.

In her highly advertised little book “The Talmadge Sisters” Natalie’s mother described her as conscientious and an avid reader from an early age.

Her mother goes on to say that Natalie (or Nate as she was almost always called) “kept a diary, and she kept it as neatly and regularly as clockwork. In this little book, she wrote everything she did and everything she thought, and a great many things that the rest of the family thought.” (TTS p. 42).

She says that Natalie “took to reading books far beyond her years and grew pale and overly quiet.” And that when she was young “at times, Natalie would write letters to herself, which she solemnly informed us came from ‘an angel.’ A most obliging angel, for the child was always told just what she wanted to know and believe!” (TTS p. 43) This inclination towards a love of words apparently manifested in “lousy puns” (as Anita Loos described them) that Natalie would contribute to conversation.

Peg describes their family as very happy and the three sisters as inseparable. They put on little plays together, supported one another, cheered each others achievements, and shared a love of animals sometimes raising stray and injured cats, dogs and birds in their basement. Buster would later confirm this happy relationship among the family: “In my entire life I never knew a family so devoted to one another as my in-laws were. They all worked and thought together as a team without conflict or jealousy.” (MWWoS p.166)

Natalie also seemed prone to day dreaming. In 1928 she would tell an interviewer how Norma used to take her to the old Vitagraph studio in Brooklyn and permit her to sit on the sidelines and watch the stars of that period. She confesses that she “fell in love” several times, but that the actors she adored didn’t know anything about it. ‘I had a schoolgirl ‘crush’ on Tony Moreno, and then I thought that Francis Bushman was my ideal; and then I scrapped both of them for the dashing Maurice Costello-‘Dimples’ everybody called him in those days,” laughed Natalie. (Buster, sitting beside her on the set, exclaimed, “Ah, ha, now it’s all coming out!”) (United Artists Pressbook, 1928)

Before their first trip to Europe, taken early on in her sisters’ careers, Natalie was “beguiled by planning little journeys through grim castles which had once belonged to feudal kings; through the palace and wonderful gardens of Versailles; through quaint colorful streets in Naples, and odd out-of-the-way corners of Paris; through underground passages built and used by medieval monks, and many other mysterious places.” (TTS, p. 162)

“These old-world storied cities” (like Milan with its Gothic marble arches and the priceless treasures of the ancient and modern galleries in Florence, or the splendid overhanging palaces of the Doges, in the picturesque city of canals) “held a particularly potent charm for Natalie.” (TTS p. 168)

Though she showed little interest in it, Natalie did take on minor rolls in a few of her sisters’ films, as her mother said, “idleness, far more than inclination. . finally led her to enter the ‘movies’ and play minor parts with her sisters.” (TTS p. 158) However being of a highly different disposition and personality, Natalie didn’t light up the screen in the same way her exuberant, extroverted sisters did.

When it was clear that Peg would not be able to make a star out of her quiet daughter she “explained to the Cleveland Plain Dealer, “I told her that she must take up or at least learn some kind of work so as to be self-supporting, so she studied bookkeeping, stenography, and typewriting.” ( CttC, p.117)

So while her two sisters grew their careers and became world famous, Nate happily busied herself in the background and wings of the film sets, “painstakingly” answering her sisters fan mail and eventually taking a “brief course in business school to study secretarial work, stenography, book-keeping, and general business methods, ‘Because,’ she said, ‘I want to be a professional in my line as the other girls are in theirs.'” (TTS p. 109)

Between and around these small parts in film, Natalie became a secretary and script girl for Comique Films, Roscoe Arbuckle’s film company, making good on her own with her education and skills.

As a script girl and assistant Natalie was in charge of keeping the place organized and documented for continuity. She kept notes on entrances, exits, props, clothing and bruises if need be.

In her down time on set Nate would knit and carried around a carpet bag full of supplies for the purpose. She even moved with the Comique Company from New York to California, now promoted from script supervisor to Comique’s secretary-treasurer. She had small bit parts in a few of Arbuckle’s movies including The Bell Boy (The Evening Leader, March 19, 1918) and Coney Island. She even received a writing credit for her work in Out West.

It was of course at Comique that Natalie met Buster. She was present on his first day of filming in New York. Buster said “I was attracted to her at once. She seemed a meek, mild girl who had much warmth and great feminine sweetness.” (MWWoS, p.94)

During these years of Natalie’s career in film production she and Buster began dating. Natalie recalls the moment in 1928 on the set of one of Buster’s films:

When Comique moved to the west coast Natalie and Buster lived in the same apartment house (Elk City News-Democrat Feb 6, 1919) and spent a lot of their free time together making up a regular social group with Roscoe and actress Alice Lake. When Constance started up her own company on the east coast though, Natalie left Comique to move back to work for her sister.

Buster saw her again briefly before shipping out overseas during the war. He describes in his autobiography sneaking out of camp to spend the day with her in Long Beach at a fine eating a dancing establishment. And when he returned from France in a bad state due to an ear infection, “the moment I could get to a telephone I called my girl.” Natalie “haunted the hospital” during his convalescence until he returned to work on the west coast.

Many people, Buster’s later wife Eleanor included, thought that the quick progression of Nate and Buster’s relationship to marriage was orchestrated by Peg, Joseph Schenck or both. “I know he loved her very much, and I think she loved him very much in the beginning, but I think Peg Talmadge, the mother of the three girls, sort of wanted her married and off her hands and since Joe Schenck made the Constance Talmadge and Norma Talmadge films, and made Buster’s films, that would be keeping it in the family if Natalie married Buster. But at the same time, he was a lowly comic as far as they were concerned, and not all that important in the business or what they really would have liked to have had for her as a husband.” (LIM p.136) “Peg was a tyrant about what those girls had to do.” (p. 135)

Friend of the family Anita Loos would agree with this, saying that up until their marriage, “Peg was still searching the horizon to find a better mate for Natalie than Buster Keaton, but there weren’t even any gigolos around to take up the slack.” (TTG 65)

For almost two years Nate and Buster didn’t see each other again except in the movies and the papers. The extent of their long distance romance (or lack thereof) was debated. Even apparently, among Natalie’s own family. When Norma confirmed the announcement she said “don’t think she told me, though. . . she never tells me anything. She told Connie and Connie told me.” (Omaha Daily Bee May 22, 1921).

Natalie was interviewed about the engagement shortly after it was announced:

Buster, working hard on the west coast on one of his own films, didn’t seem too surprised by the whole thing.

After some drama involving another potential suitor known as the “butter and eggs” man (Owen Gilman, a wealthy man connected with the dairy industry) and a major injury to Buster’s ankle that put him in the hospital for eight weeks, Buster headed east.

“When I saw my bride-to-be, the big butter-and-egg man was hardly mentioned. . . She smiled and told me, “Oh, Buster, you know where I’m going.”

“Okay, where and when will we be married?” I asked in a brisk, businesslike tone.

“Let’s make it a week from Saturday at my sister’s home.” Though I didn’t say, “But this is so sudden,” I certainly thought of it. But all joking aside, I was very happy about the whole thing.” (MWWoS p.166)

They were married on May 31, 1921. Buster recalled, “it was in Norma’s garden – flowers everywhere; roses, I think.”

They almost immediately traveled back west so Buster could resume work with his new company and were greeted with a number of parties put on by fellow film celebrities (Los Angeles Herald, 6 June 1921) They quickly disappeared for a while into their small new home, apparently hiding from these enthusiastic well-wishers. (The Public Ledger July 13, 1921)

On the set of Steamboat Bill Jr. many years later, Natalie was asked about her recipe for a happy married life: “we are two romantics; we like the same things, laugh at the same jokes, love family life…”

Natalie seems to have thrown herself whole heartedly into the role of housewife for a time. There are several articles describing her changing Buster’s diet to something more proper to an athlete. They claim “Mrs. Keaton had him abandon sirloin steaks, French pastry and candies.” (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette Nov. 27, 1921).

She also apparently had to remind her husband that year on October 4th that it was his birthday, as he had forgotten (Oakland Tribune, Oct. 23 1921) . (This lapse in Buster’s memory about his own birthday is mentioned at other times in his life as well.) Natalie boasted to her mother “he can fix almost anything with a penknife and a piece of twine.” (TTS p. 182).

When she wasn’t homemaking, Natalie spent a lot of her time on set with Buster. When he went to film on location she usually went too. “She is a charming little woman but takes no part in the picture. She accompanies Buster usually wherever he goes, on fishing trips, to ball games and to location.” (June 10, 1926, Cottage Grove Sentinel)

And there are a few instances where it is suspected Natalie filled small roles in Buster’s short films such as the silhouette of “the viper” in The Love Nest and as one of the identical twins in The Playhouse (though I have my doubts on that one.)

Buster was not a typical actor and no doubt Natalie worried about the daredevil comedian she’d married. It seems he was constantly coming home with bruises, sprains, broken ribs and fingers. Not only did everyone around Buster worry about him and protest some of his decisions to do things like regularly jump off buildings, but Natalie already had a tendency to worry. It’s a common trait among introverts and would continue to grow after she had children and into her later life. At least in newspapers she was considered the only one with the right to worry about Buster though, and sometimes (as in the case of leaping from the conductor seat right before the bridge collapse in The General) was able to prevent him from doing some of his most dangerous planned scenes. I haven’t found any accounts of Natalie’s presence at other of Buster’s stunts, but I would imagine she stayed out of the studio during the filming of most of them.

They often took little vacations away from work as well, frequently going up to San Francisco to see previews of Buster’s films but also apparently the occasional weekend away in small towns.

Throughout their marriage, Natalie was also apparently game for a few gag photos, one of Buster’s many loves.

When asked if actresses prefer handsome men for husbands Natalie replied: “I do not think looks count at all. A man may look one way to the world and another to his wife. For instance, my husband has never been known to smile on the screen and yet he has the most wonderful smile in the world which he keeps just for me. A woman does not marry a man for his character because she can never know what his real character is until after she has lived with him. It is his personality, an indescribable, intangible charm, which attracts her first, not his appearance.” (Great Falls Tribune, March, 1922)

Buster avoided interviews at all cost, but when asked if art and marriage mix he said: “Sure! Excuse me. Hurry up, boys, let’s shoot this scene before the light goes!” (Picture-Play Magazine, April 1922)

When they weren’t attending or throwing parties or working on set, Natalie continued to enjoy needlework and reading. She spent much of their first year of marriage pregnant which meant a lot of her time was taken up preparing for the baby. Buster’s close friend, Buster Collier, would later in life contrast “the vibrant Buster with the completely passive Natalie, quietly doing her needlepoint work day after day and nearly every evening, “a real quiet girl.” (The Man Who Wouldn’t Lie Down, p.76).

Natalie is typically described like this: quiet, meek, passive, shy, sweet and feminine. One flash description of her from afar described her as: “the type of feminacy men are prone to speak of respectfully as a ‘nice little woman,'” (Yonkers Statesman, Sept 30, 1922). Her granddaughter, Melissa, would say, “She had a demure, feminine air about her, a lot like the character she portrayed in Our Hospitality. But there seemed to be little self-confidence and I don’t think she had ambitions of her own.” ( CttC, p. 166.)

But Natalie had her moments of stubbornness too, and when she wanted something she got it.

Buster recalls “My wife also was strong minded in certain ways. She had wanted a girl for her first child and put pink ribbons on the baby clothes. When the baby turned out to be a boy she refused to change them to blue. “Pink is for girls,” I told her. “Blue is for boys.” “No, pink is for boys,” she insisted. I didn’t argue, figuring she preferred pink. What did hurt me a little was when she insisted on naming our first boy Jimmy. I thought he should have been named Joseph like the four first sons who preceded him. But James was the name she preferred, and James he was christened.” (MWWoS p.185)

And one article early in their marriage illustrates her getting her way when it came to fine things.

Natalie seemed to really enjoy pretty and finely made things, particularly clothing. She designed an evening gown “of striking lines” for one of her sisters films on a bet from her mother that the girls couldn’t design a gown worthy of being in a film. (Monroe Evening news Sept, 28, 1922). My guess is it’s this one worn by Constance in The Primitive Lover (1922)

Natalie and her sisters, along with another actress and a costume designer, also planned to open a museum of period clothing in Hollywood in 1923. “Every period in history will be represented. Judicious purchases have been authorized to fill in historical periods which already are not represented” by the historical costumes of past Joseph M. Schenck productions. (The Morning Post New Jersey, Oct. 13, 1923)

Natalie filled their first homes with beautiful trinkets and furniture and after their first baby’s birth, he was absolutely showered in the finest toys, clothes and decoration. “It was a palatial nursery. All about were flowers–great baskets of sweet peas, white wicker cradles packed with roses, miniature baby carriages full of orchids. Hung all about were tiny garments, piles of bright blankets, small and fascinating paraphernalia–the exquisite layette of fashionable baby. Through wide French doors, I caught a glimpse of a sleeping porch, in the center of it a froth of pink satin, frilly lace, streaming ribbons and ivory wicker which I took to be a baby bed.” (Interviewing Joseph Talmadge Keaton by Adela Rogers St. Johns, 1922)

Natalie expressed just as much excitement (if not more) at being a mother as she did of being a wife. She had apparently zero regrets whatsoever that she did not have a film career to match her sisters. “My baby gives me all the occupation I require for my happiness,” says Mrs. Keaton, “and I think it quite as important to be a good mother as to be a popular star.” (San Francisco Chronicle, Oct. 15, 1922) Her family shared in the excitement and all Talmadges moved west, several of them straight into the Keaton household. Natalie, no doubt, had deeply missed her family and enjoyed them being close again. Buster said: “I am fortunate insamuch as I have relatives who are more like friends . . . And I don’t say this under duress. I mean it!”

“Joseph Talmadge Keaton is no poor little weakling of a bottle-fed baby. He’s a regular two-fisted, pink-toed little he-person, and he takes his nourishment…just as God intended he should. Natalie Talmadge Keaton is a real little mother in every sense of the word. Though the baby has a nurse, Natalie insists on giving him his daily bath personally. She makes his little clothes and dresses him. In fact, there isn’t very much for the nurse to do, except mind the baby when mother is taking a nap or take him for an occasional airing in the baby carriage.” (Boston Sunday Post, Sept. 3,1922)

This lovely article describes a quiet moment during one of the Keaton’s trips to New York a few months after Jimmy was born. According to Natalie, baby comes first.

Natalie would often watch rushes of the day’s filming with Buster, and would bring Jimmy along.

When Jimmy got a little older, Natalie took part in one of Buster’s first full length films: Our Hospitality, playing the leading lady. How she came to get this role is up for debate. Some articles say Buster begged her to take the role after being left without a leading lady when Margaret Leahy returned to England. Others say Natalie did the begging, even going down to the studio and convincing Buster’s producers to let her have the part when he said no. Either way filming was a happy affair, and Natalie did a fine job in the role.

“Natale gave an excellent account of herself in the film, game for a lot of the physical stuff, even though she was aware that she was once again pregnant. Eunice Marshall watched her go through a scene with Ralph Bushman at the studio, costumed in a frock of rose taffeta and a full crinolined skirt: “She was playing a daughter of the Old South and seemed to have gained poise, having learned a thing or two about makeup.” But Natalie, she discovered, was dubious about continuing as Buster’s leading lady. “I’m not sure whether I shall do another picture after this one or not. I hate to be away from the baby so much. Of course, he is with Mother and in good hands. But I don’t want him to know anybody else better than me. Every morning I bathe him and dress him before coming to the studio. I miss being with him during the day. But it is pleasant here, too. They are very patient with me. It is four years since I have done anything in pictures, you know.” (Buster Keaton: A Filmmaker’s Life, p.238-9)

She even allowed baby Jimmy, now around a year old, to take part in the picture too, despite her earlier misgivings of her baby being in films (Buster wanted to put him in the very first film he made after his birth). Unfortunately Jimmy developed Klieg eyes, a temporary condition brought on by the powerful klieg lights, and it was announced that his pictures days were over.

During filming Natalie discovered that she was pregnant with their second child, and re-shoots had to be carefully framed to hide her growing middle. In this moment, upcoming second baby, Robert, can be clearly seen.

It was only after Robert’s birth that Buster and Natalie’s marriage began to deteriorate in earnest. We all know how rough things got, and how they ultimately ended, but during their first years it’s generally agreed that they were happy together and that shouldn’t be forgotten. Natalie would continue to support Buster’s filming, and could frequently be found on set and on location up until their divorce.

REFERENCE

TTS : The Talmadge Sisters by Margaret (Peg) Talmadge

TTG : The Talmadge Girls: A Memoir by Anita Loos

MWWoS: My Wonderful World of Slapstick by Buster Keaton

TLIM: The Little Iron Man by Oliver Lindsey Scott

CttC: Cut to the Chase by Marion Meade

The Man Who Wouldn’t Lie Down by Tom Dardis

Buster Keaton: A Filmmaker’s Life by James Curtis

The Day Buster Smiled, presented by The Cottage Grove Historical Society

Articles found on Newspapers.com, Archive.com, Geneologybank.com, Newspaperarchive.com, among others

I kind of ran out of time putting this together so if you have any questions about a source or about anything at all let me know and I’ll find it for you!

Also, I’d love to hear your thoughts, opinions and any other information you might have!

Viola Dana and Alice Lake are little more than footnotes in books on Buster, but they were both a pretty big part of his life at the start of his film career. Buster and Viola dated and were great friends after he moved to California, and he even lived with her family for a time. As she put it much later in her life,” My brother-in-law brought him home for dinner one night and he stayed for [months].” (Curtis p.123)

As for Alice, she and Buster starred together in a number of films directed by Roscoe Arbuckle. Off set Alice also dated Roscoe, who was Buster’s best friend. So Alice and Viola made up their regular social foursome around 1918-20.

Biographies of Buster spend a little time describing these ladies’ beauty and vivacity and a bit of their acting abilities. Sometimes there’s a hint or two at a variety of relationship possibilities with Buster. Mostly it’s just things like : “For at least a year, Alice and Viola were the two women in his life.” (Dardis, p. 56)

I personally didn’t realize just how spunky these ladies were, or that they were great friends with each other, until I came across an article titled “Charlie and Sarah.”

Though the interview takes place in 1922, after their foursome had pretty much broken up, it’s still fun to get a sense of their personalities. Buster had been married to Natalie Talmadge for almost a year at this point and they were expecting their first baby. Roscoe was no longer making movies due to the fact that he was on trial for the tragic death of Virginia Rappe, a crime he did not commit. In 1922 Roscoe stood two rounds and was acquitted in April. These famous and excessively publicized trials might account for some of the suspicion directed towards movie stars that Viola and Alice talk about.

I’ve typed the article out because it was tricky to read, but all the pictures are included in this post. The original can also be found here.

Under the surveillance of Ray Leek, publicity commander of the Metro cantonment, I sat in the salon of the Hillview apartments awaiting Alice Lake and Viola Dana, champion bantam-weights of the screen world. They had consented to go a five-course round at some quiet tavern, that I might record their moods, manners and movements under the influence of the demi-tasse.

As I say, I waited with the Metro duenna, observing with my rare perspicacity that the Siamese Twins, as they are known about the film colony, by reason of their inseparability, were thus far manifesting no distinction from the rest of the gender femina.

Finally they emerged–sartorially incomplete, of course, having only started on the gloves. Viola asserted that Alice made her wear them. She thought the idea of wearing gloves to dinner was most unreasonable, since one no sooner got them on than the soup arrived.

Thus the glove was thrown down, metaphorically speaking, and the combat started.

Alice likes gloves.

Viola does not.

Alice likes dark men.

Viola demands blonds.

Alice emotes for art.

Viola clowns.

Viola says she’s French and Russian.

Alice says she’s Irish and Brooklyn.

Let this curtain-raiser suffice to show that the two differ sufficiently to be bosom friends.

“Where do we go?” Demands Viola, stripping on a finger of her glove–and asserting that the skin is stripping with it. “I have to get back early, because Dad is having a man up to see me about investing my money.”

“Investing in motion pictures?” I asked.

“I should say not! I want something safe.”

“Where do we go?” demands Alice.

We reach the running-board of the Leek fiacre.

“Let’s go to the Hollywood Hotel,” says Viola, enthroning herself on a forward cushion. “I used to live at the Hollywood Hotel.”

“Do you s’pose they’ll let us in, then?” demands Alice.

There’s no retort to this. Viola is considering suit against the saleslady who that day had fitted her with gloves. She alleges that the lady, in the course of fitting, had, with premeditation and malice aforethought, given her hang-nails.

Upon alighting in the lobby of Hollywood’s chief hospice, six gentlemen–actual count–rush forward to salute les petites.

Eventually, we reached the menu. Viola refused to vouchsafe it a glance.

“Why should I look at it?” she asks. “I told you I used to live here. This is spare-ribs and roast veal night.”

She suddenly is seized with a morbid desire for a home of her own.

“I’m going to get married,” she avows.

“So am I.” says Alice.

“What type of men will be cast for the parts?” I inquired.

ALICE: I don’t care, so long as he’s dark.

VIOLA: Mine must be blond. All the men I’ve ever fallen for have been blonds–except five or six.

ALICE: I want a man with character. You know–human. A cave-man? I should say, I don’t want a cave-man.

VIOLA: I do. Only there isn’t any.

ALICE: Above all, he mustn’t be affected. I like people to be themselves. I could kill a conceited man.

REFEREE: You wouldn’t marry an actor, then?

ALICE: All actors aren’t conceited. Now, there’s David Warfield–

VIOLA: Heavens, you haven’t designs on Dave, I hope.

ALICE (with feminine logic) : I’m not going to marry at all.

VIOLA: You’re backing out!

ALICE: No. If it gets in the magazines that I want to marry, some nuts will think it is an ad and start sending me photographs.

VIOLA (sentimentally): I had a proposal once by mail. He said he would rather clasp me to his bosom than be President of the United States.

REFEREE (fervently): Who wouldn’t?

ALICE: Well, I’m not going to stop anybody’s chances of being President of the United States.

VIOLA: If they keep on making you play grandmothers in your pictures, you certainly won’t. Cheer up; in your next picture you are to play a young girl of thirty.

ALICE (addressing Referee): Do you know what we call one another? I call Vi “Charlie,” and she calls me “Sarah.” They expect her to be as funny as Chaplin and me to be as emotional as Berhardt.

VIOLA (making wry grimace): Producers expect a screen actress to have the face of a girl of sixteen, the brain of a woman of fifty, and the acting ability of Berhardt.

ALICE: If we could only be ourselves. I don’t want to be Bernhardt–not so long as I can get around as I am.

REFEREE: What are you going to do when you start losing your beauty?

VIOLA: We haven’t started having any yet.

ALICE: I’ll be a censor.

VIOLA: I’m going to raise a family.

ALICE: You’re a fine person to raise a family. In all your pictures, you vamp. For four years they called you the Baby Vamp, and now it’s the Flapper of the Screen.

VIOLA (dignifying slightly): I don’t know that anybody would get a very good idea of your character from seeing you on the screen. I haven’t seen you in a picture yet that you weren’t seeking revenge on some one.

ALICE (addressing Referee): And in real life I never seek revenge; do I, Vi?

VIOLA (suspiciously): Well, who said I vamped in real life?

[Enter, F. Richard Jones, director of Mabel Normand in “Mickey ” and “Molly-O.” He is hailed familiarly as “Dick” by Alice and Referee and introduced to Vi and duenna Leek. He shows a magnificent platinum and gold watch, which he has received as a gift from Mabel, who at the time is having a vacation in New York. The Referee recalls that Dick has the reputation for never knowing when to quit work. Perhaps Mabel wants to provide him with a way of knowing before she starts her next picture under his direction.]

ALICE (To Dick as he departs) : We’ll be down to see “Molly-O” as soon as you give a preview.

VIOLA: We’re chronic fans. We went to the movies every night last week; didn’t we, Alice?

ALICE: We saw “The Queen of Sheba” last night, and we cried so much we were ashamed when the lights came on.

VIOLA: We cried so much that we had the mee-mee’s when we got home. Betty Blythe is wonderful. I admire her refinement in being able to wear those costumes without ever suggesting anything vulgar.

ALICE: Miss Blythe is marvelous, and so is Fritz Lieber. He’s a Shakespearian actor.

VIOLA: Alice goes to every kind of a show–even Shakespeare. Can you imagine it? And she couldn’t wait until Robert Mantell got here, to drag me down to see him.

ALICE: Well, wasn’t he good?

VIOLA: Yes, but he sings. And he kept coming back to sing without any encore.

ALICE: All great actors sing when they play Shakespeare.

VIOLA: I like Shakespeare, but I think he must have been asleep when he wrote “As You Like It.” What a dumb-bell play that is. Can you imagine any girl like Rosalind, getting away all that time as a boy, just by wearing a little boy’s suit?

ALICE (somewhat irreverently) : I love Savoy and Brennan.

VIOLA : Savoy would make a fine Rosalind, wouldn’t he? Can you hear him saying. “You must come over,” to Orlando?

ALICE : Savoy’s favorite screen actor is Douglas Fairbanks. He says he thinks Doug is “gorgeous.”

REFEREE : Have you no favorites?

VIOLA: Sure we have–a lot of them.

ALICE: I like Dick Barthelmess and Jack Barrymore.

VIOLA: I think Jim Kirkwood is fine–and Lon Chaney–

ALICE: I like Jim, too.

VIOLA: And Joe Martin. Oh, Alice, give your imitation of that [***] girl that used to hang around Vitagraph.

ALICE (proceeding to look cross-eyed and talk in a nasal tone, with a lantern-jawed effect not unlike Joe Martin): “All the men are just crazy about me. Can’t keep them away–just crazy about me.”

(With loud roars from Viola, Referee and Duenna, Alice gets up and imitates the sirenic Miss [***])

VIOLA (her laughter subsiding): Alice nearly killed me this morning by giving imitations as we were getting up. You ought to imitate that scenario writer who was always getting us aside to tell us his stories. They were all alike.

ALICE: Well, you had to admire him for sticking to his story!

VIOLA: Anything I hate is to be told a story. It’s terrible to go to a dinner with a movie crowd, and have to sit next to a director that wants to tell you about the corking thing he’s going to do next. You look away, and just get to talking to someone else, and he nudges you and says, “Oh, say, I’ve got a wonderful gag!”

ALICE: Did you ever see a Mexican jumping bean, Vi?

VIOLA: A which?

ALICE: They jump all around, and never stop.

VIOLA: My word! It must be embarrassing trying to eat a plate of them. What do you use–a butterfly catcher?

ALICE: You don’t eat them. They have worms in them. When the worm turns over, the bean jumps.

VIOLA: They must be spooky, like the relatives of those people who have seances at our apartment house.

ALICE (shuddering violently): Oo-oh! They’re awful. The room is all dark, and their relatives come down–or up–and jiggle the tables, write on pads, ring the alarm clock–

VIOLA: And put the cat out.

ALICE: Just suppose, Vi, that some time when they are being subpoenaed or seanced–or whatever they call it–the relatives make a mistake in the number of the apartment and get into yours. Oo-oo-oo-ooh!

VIOLA: Alice is afraid of the dark. She wanted a drink of water last night, and lay awake three hours because she was afraid to get up and get it.

[A venerable dame, passing our table, catches the word “drink,” and glances suspiciously thru her double-barreled glasses.]

ALICE: I know what she’s thinking. She’s thinking, “Those loud, vulgar movie people.”

VIOLA (wearily): Everyone is attacking us now.

ALICE: Especially the San Francisco people. And only last year we went up there to boost the town at some festival or something.

VIOLA: And you wore your new seventy-five-dollar hat in the rain.

ALICE (mournfully): It got all squashed down flat on my head.

VIOLA: Yes, it looked like a cat had crawled up there and died.

[The lights begin to wink suggestively. Viola, with a sigh, commences to struggle with her gloves.]

VIOLA (reaching under the table): My feet hurt.

ALICE (sympathetically): So do mine.

[Having at last reached agreement on one subject, they are ready for home, where Viola, with the advice of her counselor, Alice, is to face the man who wants to invest her money.]

REFEREE: Good-night, Charlie. Good-night, Sarah.

CHARLIE AND SARAH (in perfect harmony): Good-night. Now, don’t you publish anything we said!

(Motion Picture Magazine, May 1922)

Being The King of staged photographs, Buster had some photographic fun with both Viola and Alice during their friendships. It’s easier for me to imagine the hilarity that must’ve gone into making these photos after hearing the ladies’ voices. None of these images are from movies, just goofing around.

Buster and Viola (and Eddie Cline):

Buster and Alice, loose in the costume closet:

What a damn hoot.

*** Miss Black. After several careful readings (by myself and others) I concluded there was nothing sensitive about this paragraph other than, potentially, the fact that these days Alice’s poking fun at someone might be considered mean spirited. However, a less careful reading or a skimming over the words might cause it to come off differently, so in order to avoid confusion I removed her last name from the text. If anyone has any questions or concerns about this please let me know!